Plan To Burn Marijuana Angers Legalization Activists, Police Want Slow Safe Burn

There is still a lot of debate over what to do with the 5500 pounds of seized marijuana that police found during a major drug bust last week. Proponents of legalizing marijuana would like to see it distributed to those with medical conditions. Steve Burger, a proponent of decriminalizing pot says, “This bust shows us that the desire is out there, but our government could easily control and profit off of a find like this.”

Sgt. Bittenfinger loads up his squad car so he can prepare to slowly dispose of the seized marijuana

Cook County Sgt Bill Bittenfinger says Burger is way off base.  “We need to destroy this marijuana slowly if we are going to be safe.  The public shouldn’t have access to these 5500 lbs of marijuana.  We are trained professionals with special devices and equipment that can properly dispose of this red-haired beautiful Mexican pot in a way that won’t be a fire hazard.” 

Bittenfinger says he has regularly been a part of the disposal from big drug busts going back to the 1980’s.  “I remember back when we were finding massive amounts of blow in some of our major seizures.  I lost a lot of sleep knowing all those drugs were out there, but it kept my wife happy because I was vacuuming all the time.”

It appears that County Officials will go with the original plan to have a controlled burn in a remote area, something Bittenfinger is excited about.  “I just love nature….man…like a lot.  I love you.”


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Blagojevich Expands Constiuency to Vice Lords, Hells Angels, And Black Gangster Disciples

Always hedging his bets, erased Governor Rod Blagojevich is now looking into how to expand his contituency in prison.  Though he has not yet been found guilty of any charges, Blagojevich has decided that it might be in his best interest to start reaching out to some new groups.  “I am a bridge builder.” Said the former governor,  “I don’t see why there needs to be the constant fighting, we are all apples on the same branch.  Convicts in the same cell block ”

Blagojevich seen here using his "trigga finga" to ice a lot of bo jook political opponents who may not share his interests

“Though I have never piloted a motorcycle, I know that I have a lot in common with The Hell’s Angels, having run political protection schemes. ”  Blagojevich says his similarities with the biker gang don’t end there.  For years I sold the ‘Meth of Hope’ to the people of Illinois.  They believed me, but really I was giving their budget a ‘Hot Shot’ cutting it with cronyism that would ruin their nods and make comin’ down hard.”

Blagojevich says he has also been part of some assassination attempts.  “I remember when we had this thug running the Illinois State Board of Education.  I didn’t like him, so I painted a target on his back and busted  a political cap with the nickel nine gat of my administrative powers.  Yeah, do you remember his name…didn’t think so, punk.”

Blagojevich concluded, “I’m on trial now, and if I am convicted, it is probably because I’m not part of your system.  So you best step off and reconize that the governor’s office is a very powerful thing, and you don’t just give something like that away.”

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Parents Outraged By Happy Meal…McDonalds To Market Towards Angry Parents With “Outrage Meal”

Some health advocacy groups are outraged by McDonald’s offer of toys with food that is high in sodium and saturated fat.  These parents are so outraged they have asked McDonald’s to remove all toy offers with “Happy Meals” because it is marketing unhealthy food directly to children.   This group is becoming so vocal that McDonald’s is now offering an “Outrage Meal.”  McDonald’s executive Randy Longbrow says, “This group became so large, our marketing team thought it would be foolish to avoid this demographic.”

A fat McChild asks if his parents are going to finish their "Outrage Meal"

The Outrage Meal is a lime marinated salmon on a bed of spring greens served with blue cheese and a citrus vinaigrette.  Each meal comes with an area media list, and a card that includes state and national politicians and their contact information.  It also includes a form letter that can be copied and emailed to local government officials.

Rick Sprawlington, a vocal member of The Centers for Science in the Public Interest says, “I cannot believe that McDonald’s would lure our children to fatty foods with the promise of toys.   We need healthy options for our kids, like that delicious salmon filet on a bed of…nom nom nom.”  Rick’s wife Patti says, “The Outrage Meal is delicious, but it is so irresponsible to just market to people based off of something they want.  How can they expect us to fall for this trap?  I’m going to call my congressman right now, and it is a good thing I have this number, on the back of this card that came with my delicious Outrage Meal.  Thank you McDonalds.”

Get the real story here

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Dozens Of New Wal Mart Stores In Chicago Could Mean Dozens Of Opportunities For Area Residents To See A Fat Guy With A Popsicle Stick Stuck Between His Flip Flop And His Foot

A 6 year stalemate could finally be broken as Chicago City Officials and Wal Mart executives are reportedly close to reaching a deal.  This could mean Chicago residents will have regular access to the side-show clowns that actually shop at Wal Mart.  “Usually I have to go to different Web Sites to see who is shopping at Wal Mart, now that one is in the city, maybe I could go.” Said Jennifer Wickstrum, who lives in Rogers Park.  “I can find low prices at many different stores, but there are few establishments where I can buy tires, kleenex, and watch someone push a cart with his gut, or pull the back hair through a tear in his tank top.”

Get the real story HERE.

An Angry Wal Mart Executive looks at you...Hoping you will buy his cheap crap that Chinese children make.

Many people in Chicago are excited about what Wal-Mart could bring to our area.  ‘Sure, $8 an hour jobs are great to have in the community but there is so much more.” Says local economist Dwayne Riddenbacher from Hyde Park.  “Wal-Mart stores will offer a huge economic benefit, as well as a boost in spirits during these tough economic times.  Seriously, have you ever seen a woman febreezing the clothes on her body in the produce section?  HI-larious.”

As Wal Mart waits to hear the final word from Chicago, many residents are hoping that this could spell a personal turnaround for them.  Steve Chapman, who is wearing sweatpants in the summer says, “I like to think of myself as a guy who likes to date.  Wal Mart, which probably has a large magazine section, probably means there are a lot of opportunities to score some free cologne before I go out on the town.”

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I’ll Be Honest With Ya

All satire aside, I’d like to point out that Mark Kirk has done some very brave things in his life and he has plenty to be proud of.  Anyone who is willing to serve the country is heroic, and I guess that it is for this reason that I am disgusted with Mark Kirk for embellishing his resume in a very galling and bizarre way.  My point is that so many veterans, combat or not, have a lot to be proud of.  By lying, embellishing, whatever you want to call it, Mark Kirk just told them that what they did wasn’t good enough.  I think that is a disservice to all veterans, and they are owed a real apology.  Not, “I’m sorry that you” but “I’m sorry that I.”

Have a great weekend, and thank you all for the visits this week.  I’m going to celebrate Father’s Day with my boys and enjoy some time on the motorcycle.  Also, thanks to Arch Pundit and Rich Miller at Capitol Fax for sending many of you my way.  I hope you all got a laugh in where you otherwise might not have.


Mike Wilson

Judge Penitent

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Utah Lauded For Bad-Ass Execution

Still under the impression that the death penalty had been eliminated world-wide with the exception of 3rd world counties and Texas, many Americans awoke this morning to hear of the execution of  convicted murderer Ronnie Lee Gardner by firing squad in Utah.

Convicted Killer Ronnie Lee Gardner Seemingly Delighted About The Bad-Ass Execution He Is About To Get

“Awesome, I didn’t know they still had the death penalty, let alone by FIRING SQUAD?  Get outta here!  That is totally bad ass!” Said Steve Hattenschweiller, an unemployed fan of NASCAR.  “Did they do the thing where he is blindfolded and given a cigarette?”

Utah Department of Corrections Director Tom Patterson says, “This was pretty bad ass.  I wanted to bring back the shark tanks, or the lasers…you know, do him up like we were Bond villains.  ‘I don’t expect you to talk…I expect you to die!’…God I love Goldfinger.  Where were we?”  Patterson continued after quietly mouthing a poor Sean Connery imitation.  “For Utah, it is less about the execution and more about making it a group activity…you know, bringing people together.  This is more than just some sterile room with some half doctor that administers a lethal dose of whatever.  This is people with rifles coming together for a common cause…just like our founding fathers did during the revolution.”

Get the real story here.


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Republican U.S. Senate Candidate Mark Kirk Combats “The Nothing” With More Imagination

FANTASIA–The fight to combat The Nothing seems to have concluded in victory for all the creatures of Fantasia.  Thanks to Congressman Mark Kirk’s constant side-stepping, blame, and misremembering things wrong, Kirk has totally eliminated any ominous clouds that could have formed in Fantasia because of a lack of creativity from Earth’s children.

The Republican US Senate Candidate from Illinois says he feels confident about adding this win to his long list of war-time accomplishments.  “This is probably the second hardest victory I have had in my military career.  When I was doing Psych-Ops for Cimmeria I had to do a lot of quick thinking so our commander, Conan, could be heard over the lamentations of the women…but like I said, this is a close second.”  Moreover this has diversified his base into the realm of imaginative creatures.

Empress Moonchild who oversees Fantasia is grateful for the efforts.  “Exaggerating his war record was one thing, but when he had the hubris to blame the people for misunderstanding something he mislead people about, we knew the impact of The Nothing would be marginalized.  Thank you Mark Kirk.”  Engywook and Urgl who live close to The Southern Oracle said things have been bad before but now, Engywook says, quality of life has improved for he and his wife.  “I had a potion ready that would have done us both quickly if The Nothing were to hit here, now, ‘The Emergency Solution’ is in a dust-covered vile somewhere in the back of my garage.”

Rodney “Rock Biter” Hammerstein said, “That campaign… used to be such… a strong…campaign.”  

But not all of Fantasia is happy, local talking wolf Gmork says, “Now that The Nothing is gone, I need to start looking for work, I’m out of a job, man.  In this economy…F*CK!  Thanks Mark Kirk. For Nothing…wait…Thanks for no Nothing.  Gaaah!”

Bastian Balthazar Bux, Ambassador for Earth and Fantasia said, “It’s like The Nothing never happened…or ever will again.”

Rich Miller has a good look at the destruction of The Nothing, thanks to Mark Kirk here.

ArchPundit wants to bring back The Nothing with his “honest solution.”

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