Something about a guy who doesn’t pay tax on a salary he gets from taxpayers combined with his stance on reducing the minimum wage makes me want to get all folksy on Bill Brady. Thanks to Horacio Ramirez for the production, guitar, and inspiration.
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In a move that many in the entertainment industry have anticipated, Mel Gibson has formally announced his retirement from trying to get any positive public relations. At a press conference, after telling all the women he would knock their teeth out if they wrote anything bad about him and explained to the Jewish reporters that they had all the money, Gibson said, “I have decided, after a long run of plugging movies and making middle-aged women think I am dreamy, it is time that I put what is left of my public good will into other activities, like domestic violence and more racism.”
Many thought Gibson might retire from good PR after he went on a tirade of religious and cultural epithets during his DUI arrest in 2006. “I apologized immediately and told people I didn’t really feel that way, thus prolonging a shred of positive community relations over the next 4 years. My idea was to retire from good PR by using the “c” word to describe the mother of my infant child, as well as making various threats and alluding to physical violence against her.”
Gibson says he is retiring so he can pursue anti-Semitism or spousal abuse. “I’m not really sure what direction I want to go in with my career at this point. Threats against my ex-wife are okay, but marginalizing women in general will give me a bigger scope that will allow me to hone my craft. On the other hand, there is still a lot of anti-Semitism out there, and I feel like I could be a major player, you know, big fish in a big pond.”
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To prove his dedication to his job and to the people of Illinois it has now come out that Governor Rod Blagojevich opened a satellite office within his own state office. A move that former staffers and indicted cohorts agree showed his dedication to the job.
John Filan, Blagojevich’s budget director says, “he was so hard-working, I remember him seeing me at the doorstep of his office when we were putting together the FY ’07 budget. He was always so busy, and I started spouting quickly about possible new sources for the General Revenue Fund, and he digested it so quickly he ran to the bathroom, er, satellite office, and shut the door.”
While Governor, Blagojevich reportedly made many decisions in his satellite office. Answering important questions like “what do I think of ethics” and “how do I feel about the voters” were regular topics of discussion.
A former staffer recounts the way Blagojevich would critically think about all the important issues of the day. “I remember pouring over the AllKids program before we announced. I must have been at the office until 3AM, maybe 4 only to show up at 7 AM that same morning. When the governor rolled in at the crack of noon after a jog and a hair appointment, he asked me about it and before I got the chance to tell him about what I worked on he said, ‘yeah, that is great, whatever.’ He was so in touch with his office, he already knew what I was working on even though he spent much of the morning at Jamba Juice and Attitudes Hair Salon.”
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In a never-ending quest to keep driving as safe as possible, the Chicago City Council approved a measure that asks motorists to look out for drivers who are talking on their cell phones. Chicago Public Safety Spokesman, Rick Rogers, says people are getting careless as technology in the car becomes more prevalent, “Distracted driving has become a real problem, and we need to combat this with modern technology, so we are asking anyone who sees a driver talking on their cell phone to call our new hotline and simply navigate our 7 step menu with their touch tone phone, and enter the make, model, license plate number, a brief description of the driver and what distracting activity they are taking part in.”
Rogers says he knows that some people may wish to not call in so as an added convenience Chicago will now open a service that accepts texts. “If people wish to text in any distracted violators, all they need to do is tell us the license plate number, the time, the date, your social security number, and your 19 digit personal identification number that will be given to you after you register by phone or text.”
Local commuter Heinz Messerschmidt says he thinks this new program is a great idea. “I cannot wait to use this revolutionary service. When I’m driving in every morning, reading the paper while I eat a McMuffin and looking at pictures of my dog, I see people talking on their phones, and it makes me furious that they don’t have their eyes on the road, and if they do, they certainly don’t have their mouths on the road.”
City officials say they expect an increase in revenues from distracted driving violations that will more than pay for the program.
After Governor Pat Quinn stated that the budget “had no hole in it” the campaign of Republican Bill Brady has now released a statement claiming that Quinn is using “Razzle Dazzle.” Many Illinois voters expressed shock that the term “razzle dazzle” was actually written down by someone. Winnetka resident, Rebecca Wrightman, says, “I haven’t heard anyone use that term since my mom was watching Walter play with the 1985 Bears…She was born in 1927.”
Though we have yet to see what specifically will be cut from the budget to bridge the gaping hole, the Brady Campaign is ready with an answer. Brady says, “I expect to take full advantage of antiquated terms during the course of this election process. ‘Razzle Dazzle’ is merely the beginning, but I feel confident that I will be able to call a couch a ‘davenport’ in the next news release.”
Brady says he couldn’t come up with words like this on his own, and credits his support staff of Phillis Schlafly’s crazy old lady friends to help lend a hand with media and message. Euinice Nelson, 82, says she is just happy to help out such a nice young man. “Pat Quinn must be some kind of flim flam man if he thinks he can call this budget balanced. Honest to Pete, I haven’t seen such a bad governor since Hector was a pup.” A Werther’s Original clacked against her dentures and she continued, “There are more ways to kill a cat than choking it with cream. You look like my nephew!”
In another unexpected turn, Brady also hopes to use the word Blagojevich another 800 times when talking about anything his democratic opponent does. More on this as details come in.
Please enjoy the latest faux campaign ad for Bill Brady.
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