Dozens Of New Wal Mart Stores In Chicago Could Mean Dozens Of Opportunities For Area Residents To See A Fat Guy With A Popsicle Stick Stuck Between His Flip Flop And His Foot

A 6 year stalemate could finally be broken as Chicago City Officials and Wal Mart executives are reportedly close to reaching a deal.  This could mean Chicago residents will have regular access to the side-show clowns that actually shop at Wal Mart.  “Usually I have to go to different Web Sites to see who is shopping at Wal Mart, now that one is in the city, maybe I could go.” Said Jennifer Wickstrum, who lives in Rogers Park.  “I can find low prices at many different stores, but there are few establishments where I can buy tires, kleenex, and watch someone push a cart with his gut, or pull the back hair through a tear in his tank top.”

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An Angry Wal Mart Executive looks at you...Hoping you will buy his cheap crap that Chinese children make.

Many people in Chicago are excited about what Wal-Mart could bring to our area.  ‘Sure, $8 an hour jobs are great to have in the community but there is so much more.” Says local economist Dwayne Riddenbacher from Hyde Park.  “Wal-Mart stores will offer a huge economic benefit, as well as a boost in spirits during these tough economic times.  Seriously, have you ever seen a woman febreezing the clothes on her body in the produce section?  HI-larious.”

As Wal Mart waits to hear the final word from Chicago, many residents are hoping that this could spell a personal turnaround for them.  Steve Chapman, who is wearing sweatpants in the summer says, “I like to think of myself as a guy who likes to date.  Wal Mart, which probably has a large magazine section, probably means there are a lot of opportunities to score some free cologne before I go out on the town.”


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