Still under the impression that the death penalty had been eliminated world-wide with the exception of 3rd world counties and Texas, many Americans awoke this morning to hear of the execution of convicted murderer Ronnie Lee Gardner by firing squad in Utah.
“Awesome, I didn’t know they still had the death penalty, let alone by FIRING SQUAD? Get outta here! That is totally bad ass!” Said Steve Hattenschweiller, an unemployed fan of NASCAR. “Did they do the thing where he is blindfolded and given a cigarette?”
Utah Department of Corrections Director Tom Patterson says, “This was pretty bad ass. I wanted to bring back the shark tanks, or the lasers…you know, do him up like we were Bond villains. ‘I don’t expect you to talk…I expect you to die!’…God I love Goldfinger. Where were we?” Patterson continued after quietly mouthing a poor Sean Connery imitation. “For Utah, it is less about the execution and more about making it a group activity…you know, bringing people together. This is more than just some sterile room with some half doctor that administers a lethal dose of whatever. This is people with rifles coming together for a common cause…just like our founding fathers did during the revolution.”
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