Utah Lauded For Bad-Ass Execution

Still under the impression that the death penalty had been eliminated world-wide with the exception of 3rd world counties and Texas, many Americans awoke this morning to hear of the execution of  convicted murderer Ronnie Lee Gardner by firing squad in Utah.

Convicted Killer Ronnie Lee Gardner Seemingly Delighted About The Bad-Ass Execution He Is About To Get

“Awesome, I didn’t know they still had the death penalty, let alone by FIRING SQUAD?  Get outta here!  That is totally bad ass!” Said Steve Hattenschweiller, an unemployed fan of NASCAR.  “Did they do the thing where he is blindfolded and given a cigarette?”

Utah Department of Corrections Director Tom Patterson says, “This was pretty bad ass.  I wanted to bring back the shark tanks, or the lasers…you know, do him up like we were Bond villains.  ‘I don’t expect you to talk…I expect you to die!’…God I love Goldfinger.  Where were we?”  Patterson continued after quietly mouthing a poor Sean Connery imitation.  “For Utah, it is less about the execution and more about making it a group activity…you know, bringing people together.  This is more than just some sterile room with some half doctor that administers a lethal dose of whatever.  This is people with rifles coming together for a common cause…just like our founding fathers did during the revolution.”

Get the real story here.



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3 responses to “Utah Lauded For Bad-Ass Execution

  1. Pingback: World Wide News Flash

  2. Joe Rock

    “That is totally bad ass!” Said Steve Hattenschweiller, an unemployed fan of NASCAR.”

    Is there another kind?

  3. snarkydoodle

    Texas ~ Republican Governor Rick Perry, in an effort to raise polling numbers above the 48% mark after Democrats unfairly nominated a candidate with the last name “White” commented “Texas Christians will not take a back seat to Utah Mormons in the race for gruesome state sanctioned deaths. I vow to bring back the rattle snake pit as a celebration of Texas justice in the name of Gawd.”

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