British Petroleum Unveils “Carbon Enhancement Program” in Gulf of Mexico

In a move widely lauded by UK oil executives and people who don’t recycle, energy giant British Petroleum is now releasing massive amounts of carbon based liquid in an effort to lower the viscosity of the Gulf of Mexico.  An unnamed BP exec told reporters, “for too long we have had sea life in the Gulf of Mexico, it is time this wildlife stopped leaching off of our most precious natural resources.”

The 100 mile wide oil slick created from the rapid oxydation of the Deepwater Horizon offshore drilling platform has enriched much of the shorelines of Louisiana, and now Florida. 

Residents are already reaping the benefits from this program.  Steve Rebedaux of Theriot Louisiana says, “I used to fish near here with my dad all the time when I was a kid, we were constantly worried about snakes and alligators, but now that all animals that they ate are gone, I can bring my kids out here and not have to worry about gettin’ bit.”

BP is keeping a close eye on this program.  “We have seen previous carbon enhancements enrich the waters off Alaska, but such a large-scale program as this is a bold manuever that speaks to everything British Petroleum stands for a s a company.  Other companies create ecological disasters, but at BP we have studied these disasters and gone above and beyond in our quest to have a truly superlative disaster.”

The Sierra Club has also lauded the efforts of British Petroleum.  “Releasing this oil has been a blessing for evolution.  Surviving species will find themselves more resistant to toxic chemicals than ever before.  Building a stronger animal population is something we didn’t think was possible, but we are now confident that the oil covered animals that don’t die as their lungs fill with tar, will live to pass on their experiences to a new generation…if the chemicals haven’t altered their sexual organs.”


1 Comment

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One response to “British Petroleum Unveils “Carbon Enhancement Program” in Gulf of Mexico

  1. Horacio

    What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, right?

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