During personal research on his military record because he couldn’t make the distinction between individual service and service as a unit, Republican U.S. Senate Candidate Mark Kirk has now uncovered the truth about his military career. While initially investigating some overblown and misleading claims of his service during the first Gulf War, Kirk has now valiantly stumbled across new information that shows he captured Saddam Hussein and COBRA front-man Cobra Commander.
“I have detailed documentation of being locked in a Vietnamese Prison, and though escape was difficult, I had trained several cockroaches to pick locks with a mind trick I learned from Obi-Wan Kenobi, and old friend of mine. After my escape I walked to Iranistan or wherever to get Saddam.” Kirk was asked by reporters to supply information detailing this claim. “I have it here…” Kirk reportedly shuffled some papers around on his kitchen table and quickly held up what looked like a credit card pre approval. “And there is more.”
Kirk says after capturing Saddam with 3 balloons, a shattered lemmonhead candy, and some Zubaz pants he felt an obligation to fight for freedom, wherever there was trouble. “We knew the location of the TerrorDome and we had a job to do. Something fantastic happened that made me out to be great and we…er, I captured Cobra Commander. People ask me if I think I’m a hero, and I am pretty sure I am because of all the awesome shit I did.”
When Kirk was informed that Cobra Commander is a fictional character created by Mattel, Kirk explained that he knew that, and the he is sorry that he wasn’t clear, but he is glad that both The Commander, and Zartan are behind bars.
Mark Kirk’s opponent, Democrat Alexi Giannoulias, who is hoping not to be indicted with his family’s bank next year has refused to comment on Kirk’s war record.